I bought my first pagan baby when I was nine. His name was Daniel James

Click here to see My Certificate of Adoption as a Souvenir of the Ransom and Baptism of an Adopted Pagan baby named Daniel James.

This is the outfit that ransomed Dan. They had orders from the Pope.

My role was outlined in point 16 of the RERUM ECCLESIAE ENCYCLICAL OF POPE PIUS XI ON CATHOLIC MISSIONS:

16. The object of the Association of the Holy Childhood is, as is well known, to train children so that they will accustom themselves to set aside a certain amount of their money allowance in order to give the same for the redemption and Catholic education of heathen babies who have been abandoned by their parents or have been exposed to death as often happens in certain lands.

Dan was doing quite well but then I got this urgent letter from him the other day.

My Dear Catholic Surrogate Holy Father:

I have been requested by the Nigerian National Petroleum Company to contact you for assistance in resolving a matter. The Nigerian National Petroleum Company has recently concluded a large number of contracts for oil exploration in the sub-Sahara region. The contracts have immediately produced moneys equalling US$40,000,000. The Nigerian National Petroleum Company is desirous of oil exploration in other parts of the world, however, because of certain regulations of the Nigerian Government, it is unable to move these funds to another region.

Oh Father, I beseech you for your assistance as the boy you ransomed and bought, to assist the Nigerian National Petroleum Company, and also the Central Bank of Nigeria, in moving these funds out of Nigeria. If the funds can be transferred to your name, in your United States account, then you can forward the funds as directed by the Nigerian National Petroleum Company. In exchange for your accomodating services, the Nigerian National Petroleum Company would agree to allow you to retain 10%, or US$4 million of this amount. It would be payback for the five dollars you saved and put in your pagan baby bank.

However, to be a legitimate transferee of these moneys according to Nigerian law, you must presently be a depositor of at least US$100,000 in a Nigerian bank which is regulated by the Central Bank of Nigeria.

If it will be possible for you to assist us, we would be most grateful. I will meet you in Lagos and we can talk about the old time religion, and I will introduce you to the representatives of the Nigerian National Petroleum Company, as well as with certain officials of the Central Bank of Nigeria.

Time is of the essence in this matter; very quickly the Nigerian Government will realize that the Central Bank is maintaining this amount on deposit, and attempt to levy certain depository taxes on it.

Yours truly,

Your pagan baby,

Daniel James

Come on, man. Do it for the world. Bet you'll get confirmed faster!

Ms. Amy drove her fuel inefficent 1965 Cadillac Sedan Deville to Little Rock last week. Her Honda Insight is in the trunk.

I don't mind freaks of nature, but the ones in government do offend me.

The answer to Patti Page's musical question.

Oxymoron or good shit?

Also available in green and blue.